pressures to be pretty

i work at a place where looks matter, not so much with the staff but with the clientele we work with.  most of the moms at our school do not look like moms. they are in shape, well dressed, immaculate.  when i first worked there i did not realize that the moms of three kids were actually the moms, i thought they were their single aunts who came in to pick the nieces and nephews.  how they primp and pamper themselves is really none of my business, but sometimes it gets to me.  they could care less how i dress, they just want to know that i am a great teacher, but let's be honest every now and then the woman in me starts to get antsy.  maybe i should do a little more, maybe i look a little crazy in comparison.  holy crap i don't even have kids and i have a pooch and they don't. 
so sometimes i torture myself.  maybe i should get my eyebrows done, maybe i should wear a little make up, maybe i should work out, maybe, maybe, maybe...
that's why one of my good friends jokes that we should work in a bottling company where the clothes and the job are simple.
knowing my luck some female co-worker will place the cap on while swinging her hips or bedazzle her hair net.  that will send me into whole other list of maybe's...and i'd end up at a different address with the same issues.

dear spammer

listen i do not want to buy penis enlargers, i do not want sexy pills, nope not even creams for my girls parts.  i am too lazy to keep deleting your entries, but i have had enough of your offers.  really, if i want any of you pharmacy treats i will write to you.  really,  you have left enough spam for me to track you down if i really wanted to.  so for all future spammers, i will post if i need help in the bedroom department. so for the time being go stalk someone else.  or maybe read a book, i recommend the twilight series.

meet stretchy

meet stretchy.  yup, i bought him at target with the best intentions. i figured that this was something i would do while i watched mindless tv.  i mean, if i flexed and stretched while watching for the love of ray j, desperated housewives, maury or even the news i would instantly be in shape.  it would be painless and easy, right?  i would be so distracted that i wouldn't even feel the burn.  well, i thought about it, finally stretched for about two days and two minutes respectively and then put stretchy in the maybe-later pile.  as life would have it my tornado, my little fella with sensory issues among other things was in need of a all body experience on the yard. he tried pushing people but that was not so successful.  thoughts of stretchy filled my mind and at last i brought it to the school.  it was love at first sight.  not just for tornado but for the whole class.  we attach it to one of the poles on the play ground.  

stretchy has not brought me any muscles but all of us teachers have gotten many laughs. 

the kids stared at it and asked what it was. i warned them that using stretchy would build their muscles.  they went crazy. they all line up, including tornado and concentrate as they count 1,2,3,6,5,8,3,10.  they pull and frown and then ask teachers to check their muscles.  even though they use their arms, they feel the need to run around the yard with their new found strength.

stretchy has really helped my kids with sensory issues, but the rest of the class seems to know how important it is. whenever we leave the yard one child runs out. "i'm going to get stretchy."  they will be shocked to see that i have purchased two more resistance bands.  be forewarned...i will have the strongest three year olds in the world.

5 question friday

 

1. What's your guilty pleasure?

eating in and out, watching tv and talking with my sister

2. What is your favorite TV series?

a will list a few, desperate housewives, amazing race, documentaries, shhhh (reality tv)

3. Can you speak any foreign languages?

spanish, toddler speak, sneaky teacher

4. How many pairs of shoes do you own?

in the process of donating many so i have no idea right now

5. What's your favorite kind of M&M's...peanut, almond, straight up regular, etc.?

peanuts, please. the yellow ones make me the happiest

sometimes teachers lie

is it against the law if it helps to save my sanity?
if parents knew what sanity saving techniques teachers used there would be no way that they would feel judged. we are all on the same team: scoreboard reads  kids 20 grown ups 12.

him:  can i run around nakey today?
me:   not today, maybe tomorrow.  (i knew good and well that it was going to be in the low 60's all week.)

her:  meatloaf?  ketchup, please.
me:  the ketchup is in the inside. they cooked with it.
her:  ok (she devoured her whole serving and asked for seconds.)

him:  i have a real horse in my house.
me:  well, if i ever need a horseback ride anywhere i will certainly give you a call.

coworker:  are you okay?  (as i take a deep breathe while supervising kids)
me:  just appreciating the fact that i'm alive. (really i was thinking take me jesus, take me.)

at home:
him: so what do you think?
me: yeah, i agree. (dear god i'm so exhausted i have no idea what he just said.)

i'm not alone am i?

i won an olympic medal

the olympics are over but we need some regular folk olympics. you know the kind of arwards for everyday talents, skills and sometimes stupidity. so with that in mind i will pass out some medals to the people in my life.

to my sister i award the gold medal for "driving like a bat out of hell". you can get anywhere too fast for your own good.

to my little brother i award the silver medal for "dressing to impress". you are well dressed just to go and put gas in your car. i would have given you the gold but i am too bitter about you dressing skills.

to my older brother i give the gold medal for "populating the earth". you have five kids, what more can i say.

my honey wins the gold medal for being the master chef in the house.

and lil ole me...(gross alert!)
my family says i win the gold medal for stinky farts.  i know, can you believe them?  the olympics do highlight exceptional skill and they all agree that i could peel paint off the walls. so thank you god for this skill. i am sure it will save my life one day.

so i trust all of you to award yourselves medals, leave a comment telling us all what you won and why.

i love you dr. pepper

i could drink dr. pepper everyday. so years ago i bought a book about how to clean with everyday items. well my beloved dr. pepper was listed as the #1 toilet cleaner. can you f#$#@ believe it. they said to pour a whole can in the bowl and leave it for thirty minutes. they said the bowl would not require any scrubbing.  i couldn't do that to my poor dr. pepper so i drank it and let it clean my own pipes instead. giggle.  if that weren't enough dr. p. was listed as the best way to clean blood off of the ground. they said that many cops use it to clean a crime scene.  HOLY DR P! 

for a couple days i had a tinge of fear when i drank it.  what the heck was it doing to my insides i thought, but its sweet taste lured me back in.
so the moral of the story is: don't use everyday items to clean, hell, help the economy and go buy some of that chemical stuff so that no one else will try to say horrible things about the crap i like to drink.